Not all sunshine & rainbows

I have thought long and hard about this post, should I do it? How honest do people want me to be? No one else writes these things, am I breaking some sort of rule? After thinking long and hard, and talking with fellow adoptive families, I've decided that I need to write this. The words need to be out there for future adoptive parents to see. You may ask why? The general consensus, this part of adoption is not talked about. Not by anyone, not your social worker, your agency, people you talk to while waiting to go get your child. Nope, the only place you'll hear this mentioned (whispered in shame) is in a private support group, and even then you'll be shaking as you hit "post", praying that it wasn't a mistake. So what is the big mystery? I am not madly, head over heals, in love with my daughter. This innocent child that I longed for.  The girl who's picture I fell in love with nearly a year ago. This child who I flew across the world for, because I wanted to give her the chance that no one else was willing to give her. No child should live in an orphanage, no child should go their entire life never being told "I love you".  Yet here I am, not in love. Sure there are things she does that I think are absolutely adorable, and she makes me smile and laugh. But truth be told, she makes me cry too.  Not necessarily her either, it's not like she's a bad kid.  She's the exact opposite! Adjusting well, the boys all like her, she has bonded well with both Sage and I, the dogs can even sit near her!  I have spent many hours in tears doubting our decision to adopt.  At times even thinking I'd made a huge mistake and completely disrupted my wonderful family.  This is where I'm wrong.  Yes, I've disrupted my family, but not in a bad way.  We are all growing from this life change, we are changing Haylie's life and she is changing ours.  

So this is where I have had to stop and really reflect on myself and my feelings.  If this is such a positive thing, then why do I feel so sad and unsure?  Well first, I had 3 wonderfully "sleep-trained" children.  If you are a parent you understand what a blessing this is.  I've now brought this new child home who has completely disrupted my sleep routine.  The new lack of sleep has made it difficult for me to remain focused!  I'm also used to kids who want to come sit with me, who constantly come and give me hugs and kisses, who when they get hurt they want their mom to comfort them.  Seriously, being a mom is the greatest gift in the world!  Haylie is only now learning that if she is hurt someone will comfort her. And as for hugging, we had to teach her how to, yet she doesn't understand the reason for it.  So in all of the training we received I was 100% aware that she wouldn't want to hug me, I just never thought that I wouldn't want to hug her.  I wasn't prepared to not feel an instant connection to her.  These are the parts of adoption that people don't talk about.  I think that this is a huge disservice to adopting parents! I thought I was alone on this, that I was a horrible person, and that I don't deserve this child.  Thanks to some other lovely ladies I'm realizing that it's not just me.  And guess what, we all thought it must "just be me". Because of this I think it's important to speak these words, put it out there for everyone to see.  Just because these feelings aren't immediate doesn't mean they won't come.  She and I have only known each other for a few weeks and right now we're really just co-exhisting.  But it will come....and in the meantime, I know that I'm not alone in this.  I have an amazingly supportive husband, family who has my back through the good times and bad, new friends that are right by my side through this.  

So for people just getting home with their new child, people who have been home a month, people who are considering adoption....know that these feelings are normal.  Reach out to your support group and allow people to help you.  You don't need to go through this alone, there is a large group of people who can help you through the "irrational" moments, and the same group of people will be there to help you celebrate that first hug, and first I love you....adoption is tough, no doubt.  This may be one of the hardest things I'll do in life.  But it's a challenge that I won't regret, she's a blessing to our family.  So friends, while the going is tough...just keep reminding yourself that you can do this, if it's been a bad day remember that tomorrow is a new day.  Eventually your feelings will change and these days will all be just a memory - at least that's what I'm told ;-)